


The Dust of Who I Was

by chocolatecrack



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP
Genre: But Chinen and Daiki save the day hahaha, HSJ is being cute in the background, Keito is oblivious af and almost cockblocks yutoyama LOL, M/M, Romance, This is actually way more serious than I'm making it sound haha, Yamada is a tease and well all know it, Yuto being obvious because duh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-31
Updated: 2016-08-31
Packaged: 2018-08-10 19:09:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7857592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatecrack/pseuds/chocolatecrack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamada wanted to laugh out loud at how antsy Yuto had been, and he just knows the members all notice. But eh, they always notice anyway.</p><p>He never did end up at his apartment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Dust of Who I Was

**Author's Note:**

> OKAY SOOOOOOOO. Here. Have an NC-17 YutoYama fic because these two have currently taken over my life. And just, when they're together there's so much tension and aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh aslkdfjgjkdagfejegfbhuflkenesadfn ANYWAY hahaha. I was at a loss as to how to end it, so I hope it's fine? This fic is sort of based on the quote included and other parts are based on Moonlight. Especially that ending. I hope you all enjoy reading! And thank you so much again for the wonderful response on my two other fics!! You guys keep me motivated! ❤ chocolatecrack @ LJ || scenesinmoonstruck @ Tumblr || tobikko_2007 @ Twitter if you guys want to talk! Title comes from a poem by Christopher Poindexter.

_I will love you with the dust of who I was, with the skin that I am now, and with the bones that will one day decorate my tomb.  
\- Christopher Poindexter -_

* * *

 

Frantic, hurried, messy.

They had tons of interviews that day, some music show performances, radio appearances, photo shoots for every single idol magazine. Together, apart, with the whole group. And then they had to record two PVs, for crying out loud. Some Double A-Side single for one of their other member’s dramas, or some new product they were endorsing, they didn’t even remember anymore.

It was exhausting, to say the least.

But amidst all the chaos and hectic schedules, Yamada had stared into Yuto’s eyes a little too long. Something ignited in him, and he changed the way he was looking at the taller boy. More secretive, and alluring. A sort of quiet seduction that he knew only Yuto would understand.

Yuto looks at Yamada back, bright-eyed as always. And then he notices. Notices the change in the hue of Yamada's eyes, and goddamn it, he’s reeled in like the lovesick boy he is. Sometimes Yamada doesn’t realize just how much of a pull he has on him.

That was this morning, when they were doing interviews.

And then, as the day went on, Yuto increasingly became more frustrated. The secret “accidental” touches, the too-close proximity, the not-having-any-personal-space and just _ugh_ he knows Yamada is doing this on purpose.

The PV recordings end late at night, and as they thanked the staff for all their hard work, Yamada grazes a fingernail throughout the length of Yuto’s arm, lowering it and lowering, and then grabs his hand, circling his palm sensually with his thumb.

Yuto stiffens, gulps down the “thank you” he was about to say again, breath hitching as the small gesture has him heated in an instant.

Yamada knows this was affecting him, knows that Yuto is probably a mess right now because the boy had no ways of keeping himself together. He was always the more reserved one, Yuto always so transparent when it comes to things like this. To desires.

And that’s how it starts.

They hurriedly leave the studio, telling the other members they were going home together that day, seeing as they lived in the same direction. Keito, all oblivious, had wanted to go with them. But Chinen, rolling his eyes at how ridiculously obvious Yuto was, had stopped him, Daiki almost dragging Keito away. Thankfully.

Yamada wanted to laugh out loud at how antsy Yuto had been, and he just _knows_ the members all notice. But eh, they always notice anyway.

He never did end up at his apartment.

Yuto almost runs all the way home, his hand tightly gripping Yamada’s, like he was somehow hurrying to meet a deadline. Yamada knew he was eager, but this was kind of funny and cute all at the same time.

But then it’s not so cute anymore.

As soon as they reach Yuto’s apartment complex, Yamada gets pressed onto the door and the taller boy attacks his lips like he hadn’t done so in an _eternity_.

There were whispers of _you tease_ and _why do you do this_ and _do you know how you make me feel_ in between heated kisses, and Yamada just relishes in the feeling of Yuto’s lips all over his.

He lifts his arms, wraps it around the taller boy’s neck and fists his hair, pulling him even closer than what was possible.

Yuto practically snakes his arms around his waist, lifting him a little off of his feet. And then he ends up actually carrying him, wrapping his legs around his own waist, trapping him between his body and the apartment door, and Yamada reaches down to lock the doorknob, not wanting any disturbances and walk-ins and stupid interruptions.

Yamada pulls away, hearing Yuto’s cry of pain from the lack of contact, and nips at those collarbones that he had been staring at the whole day while they peek out of Yuto’s black v-neck. Feeling a little too sensitive, Yuto rests his forehead on Yamada’s shoulder, breathing twice to compose.

He didn’t want this to end too fast.

The both of them end up in Yuto’s bedroom somehow, a mess of tangled limbs and hurried kisses. They haphazardly take off articles of clothing, one by one, lifting shirts over heads, undoing belts, lowering down barriers. Crashing onto the bed, Yamada rolls them over to take dominance, wraps red swollen lips around the eager boy without warning, and Yuto rolls his head back as it hits his pillow hard. But Yuto, always gentle, just laces his fingers between blond tussled hair, not pushing, not pulling. Just silently telling him to _stay_ _there_ , _keep going_ , _it feels good_. Yamada took all of him in, wraps his hands around what his mouth can’t reach, hollows out his cheeks as he lifts his head, and keeps his pace.

Yuto swims in the feeling of pleasure.

Yamada always knows what he's doing. Always knows how to push all of his buttons in the right way, where to touch, how to touch, how to do things perfectly. They've done this a lot, more than Yuto can count, but every time feels like it's the first even though it's also so damn familiar.

He keeps going and going and just…

A moment later, Yuto grabs him quite vigorously from the shoulder, angles his head away and pulls him up so their faces are level with each other. He was panting hard, eyes closed in pure ecstasy.

“But—”

“No, no, it’s fine, Ryosuke. I just…I don’t want this to end just yet,”

Yuto whispers, fluttering his eyelids open to stare at him with darkened lust-filled eyes and it gives Yamada a twinge of excitement.

And then he smirks.

That goddamn Yuto smirk and he catches him off guard and now Yuto is on top with that irritatingly handsome smirk plastered onto his features and Yamada’s heart races.

The taller boy teases him with excruciatingly slow kisses. The corner of his mouth, the juncture between his neck and shoulder, right in the middle of his Adam’s apple, the dip in between his collarbones, and he keeps going lower and lower and _lower_ but it’s still not where he wants it to be.

“Yuto,” he whispers, whines with desperation, and the other boy had the _gall_ to laugh at him playfully.

“Patience,” he replies, smirking again.

The nerve.

“Ugh, goddamn it, Nakajima Yuto if you don’t—”

Yuto takes a long, hard, wet lick and _Christ_ it feels like he had just gone to heaven. He squeezes his eyes tight and arches his back, grabbing Yuto by the hair with no forgiveness. Yuto was always the gentler one. Yamada never shied away from being rough.

But Yuto loves that. Loves that he can watch Yamada, _his Ryosuke_ , fall apart and get back together so easily by his doing.

He engulfs Yamada is the heat of his mouth, the blond boy crying out of pure pleasure as Yuto begins a pace of incredibly slow and heart-thumping fast. Slow, fast, slow, fast.

Yamada’s moans increase in volume, always the loud one when it comes to things like these. Yuto may be loud in actuality, always hyper-active and alive, and Yamada always reserved and content. But moments when they are stripped open and raw with emotions, Yamada never hesitates to be vocal.

And Yuto prides himself for being the reason of that.

“Fuck,” Yamada whispers, and damn it he needs to say something else because Yuto deserves way more beautiful words. More thoughtful, more intricate.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” but he is at a loss, and is currently out of things to say because this just feels _so damn great_ and it’s making his brain turn to complete mush, with nothing but _Nakajima Yuto_ as its content.

“Yuto, wait, I—”

He pulls away the taller boy, stops him from going any faster, because he agrees. He doesn’t want to this to end too fast either.

Yamada grabs Yuto’s hair a little too hard, but there’s pleasure mixed in with the pain, and Yuto complies. Pulls himself away completely, crawls on top of Yamada, bodies full of sweat mixing with each other.

“Do you,” Yuto pants, lips grazing Yamada’s cheek. It makes his heart skip a beat. “Want to…?”

“Yes, _fuck yes_ ,” he replies in a heartbeat, not even thinking about it at all because _fuck_ , he wants to. He wants to so bad.

Fingers slowly entering, Yuto feels the tight heat wrapped around him. One finger. Two. Yamada _writhes_ underneath him, hand gripping his arms a little too tightly, possibly cutting off circulation, but he didn’t find the time to give a damn.

Yuto, feeling encouraged, worms his way to Yamada’s neck, nipping and biting at his pulse, his Adam’s apple, those stern collarbones of his and Yamada moans louder and longer in return, too high off of endorphin to form words to say.

“Ryosuke, I—”

“Please, yes, fuck yes, please, please, _please_ ,” Yamada pleads, and he knows he’s not making much sense right now but he understands, and  _god_ does he need Yuto. He needs him so much.

Yuto grabs a condom and slowly rolls it on, applies a bit of lube, positions himself and enters slowly, the heat embracing him in a tight grip.

“Oh, _fuck_ ,” Yamada mutters, biting down on his lip hard as to stop himself from making too much noise from all the pleasure.

“Don’t,” Yuto says in return, kisses him on the cheek as if to say _it’s alright_.

And damn it, does Yamada make noise.

Yuto starts off slow, finding a pace that works for both of them, and the moment he does, he skyrockets them both into oblivion. Yamada’s hands try to blindly find him, grips his arms, laces their fingers together, wraps his arms around his neck, reaches down to his back, _everything_. Anything to feel closer to the boy who was currently giving him the feeling of precious glory.

Their breaths become staggered, mixing with each other as Yuto keeps going and the room gets even more heated.

The pressure builds gradually, carefully guiding them towards the sensation they both long for.

And then Yuto feels close. So close. He grips Yamada in his right hand, balancing himself on his left, and matches the pace his hips have settled on. Yamada bites his lip from the new contact, as the moans keep reverberating from his vocal chords, a harsh and husky harmonious sound greeting Yuto's ears like a sinful melody. Yuto furrows his eyebrows, wanting to do this with him. He wants to do this at the same time, wants to feel even more  _together_ than they already were.

“I’m,” he pants, “Ryosuke, I’m—”

“Me too, _fuck_ ,” Yamada groans in pleasure, mumbles a silent _right there with you_ in the air.

Feeling himself build up, Yuto stares at Yamada, all beautiful while sprawled out between his sheets, coming apart from his doing. It motivates him to leave a hurried and heated open mouthed kiss on the boy’s lips. One, two. And soon it was a tangle of tongues and teeth clashing and it’s all just  _too much_.

Yamada moans loud, mouths a “Fuck, I’m—” but it's interrupted as it gets caught up in the kiss.

And then they both see stars.

Yuto keeps going, keeps his pace, wanting to prolong the feeling of pure pleasure and ecstasy and they both fall apart in each other’s presence, riding out their high. Yamada makes his mark on him, crescents pressed onto his back from fingernails that dug too deep.

They don’t stop kissing. Not while in the middle of climax, not while in the process of the aftermath. Yuto drinks down and swallows all of Yamada’s moans down his throat, returns them to him in a lovely fashion, and their lips yearn more for each other. More, more, _more._

They breathe, foreheads full of sweat touching each other in the afterglow.

“Ryosuke,”

Yuto says, and Yamada hears a chorus of angels mixed with that amazing voice of his.

“Ryosuke, Ryosuke, Ryosuke,” he repeats, wanting to stamp Yamada's name into his memory, and tattoo it onto his heart.

“Yuto,” Yamada replies, albeit a little weak from exhaustion. But all full of satisfaction.

“I’m so fucking in love with you,”

And _shit, fuck, goddamn it_ , Yamada wants to hear it over and over and over again. Wants it to be the only thing Yuto is allowed to say because _Christ_ does it make his heart burst from fullness.

Not really good with words, he grabs Yuto again, attacks his lips and puts all of his feelings onto it, wanting the boy to feel how he makes him feel.

And, screw it, he’s not good with words, but what the hell.

“Nakajima Yuto,” he says in a voice full of _want_ and _need_ and hopes to everything that Yuto can tell how much he’s putting into this, “I’m so fucking in love with you.”

Yuto smiles.

He places a chaste kiss on Yamada’s lips.

One. Two. Three.

And the moonlight illuminates the room, making them glow.

**Author's Note:**

> And there we have it, I really hope you guys enjoyed reading that!! This took longer to post than I expected because I kept adding and subtracting things from it, I'm sorry! D: Anw, I'm currently in the process of writing a super long Assassins AU for Hey! Say! JUMP as Sensations (Does anyone want a snippet for it? Hahaha!). It doesn't explicitly have pairings in it, but it has hints. It's more focused on group dynamics though, and just, HSJ being Assassins is such a cool idea to tap into so yea. It's getting pretty long, so that's great. :) Anyways, thoughts?


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